Saturday, March 19, 2011

Verbose Mother Goose

I did not write these. I wish I had, but I didn't... however... they're so good that I memorized one of them. The original poems, for anyone who's been living under a proverbial rock for the last hundred years or so, are italic.

What if Mother Goose had tendencies and propensities
toward verbosity and prolixity?

(Jack be nimble.
Jack be quick.
Jack jump over
The candlestick)

Jack becomes dexterous,
Jack becomes able to attain high velocity,
Jack forms a trajectory over the illuminating apparatus of
ozocitereous structure.

(Mary had a little lamb,
little lamb, little lamb,
Mary had a little lamb,
whose fleece was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went,
Mary went, Mary went,
and everywhere that Mary went,
the lamb was sure to go)
There are more verses, but there's eighteen verses to London Bridge as well... and no one knows them. But me. Because I'm a special weirdo.

Mary was formerly the owner and proprietor of a pygmy Ovis aries,
It possessed an outer wool covering which had the characteristic
pallidness much like that found in the appearance of crystalline
And to each point in space that Mary would venture to,
The aforementioned Ovis aries would participate with a high degree of

(Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner,
Eating a Christmas pie;
He put in his thumb,
And pulled out a plum,
And said 'What a good boy am I!)

Diminutive Jack Horner
Was seated at the perpendicular conjunction of three planar surfaces,
Ingesting his baked Yuletide pastry.
He inserted his opposable digit,
And excavated a specimen of genus Prunus,
And remarked, "What a benevolent adolescent I have become!"

(Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a spider 
Who sat down beside her
And frightened Miss Muffet away.)

Lilliputian damsel Muffet
Was rested upon a squatty seating apparatus,
Ingesting the lacteal substances in her possession.
At this point arrived an arachnid
Which inhabited the immediate vicinity of the maiden,
And, true to the fundamental principles of stimulus and response,
arose trepidation in the damsel with sufficient efficiency so as
to induce the aforementioned maiden to change locale.

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