"If I take a lamp and shine it toward the wall, a bright spot will appear on the wall. The lamp is our search for truth... for understanding. Too often, we assume that the light on the wall is God, but the light is not the goal of the search, it is the result of the search. The more intense the search, the brighter the light on the wall. The brighter the light on the wall, the greater the sense of revelation upon seeing it.
"Similarly, someone who does not search - who does not bring a lantern - sees nothing. What we perceive as God is the by-product of our search for God. It may simply be an appreciation of the light... pure and unblemished... not understanding that it comes from us. Sometimes we stand in front of the light and assume that we are the center of the universe - God looks astonishingly like we do - or we turn to look at our shadow and assume that all is darkness.
"If we allow ourselves to get in the way, we defeat the purpose, which is to use the light of our search to illuminate the wall in all its beauty and in all its flaws; and in so doing, better understand the world around us." ~ Citizen G'Kar, Babylon 5
Sometimes, I feel like there's a dozen different candles out there, all vying for the attention of the us people, stuck up on the wall. It becomes really difficult to focus on the one lantern, the one truth, that is our Father in heaven. Especially at school, I'm not sure I understand what seemed so crystal clear just two years ago.
Around me is a kaleidoscope of believes and viewpoints; many of them uninformed and driven by false facts, but many as well grounded as my own opinions. There are some people in my school who I can't out-logic or out-think or out-talk and those are the people who get me in trouble. When you hear someone say, "there is no god," what proof can you give them that they haven't already rejected? When someone says that miracles can't happen, how do you give them hope?
I don't know.
I don't like not being able to know. I feel like I'm standing on the wall and not searching for anything because I don't know what to search for. What is God supposed to be? I know the Sunday school answers. I used to know what it meant for me. Right now, I'm not so sure anymore. I'm trying. I'm searching for that thing that I know is the way, the truth, and the life, but sometimes I feel like my indoctrinated knowledge gets in the way.
And then there are the days when I let myself think, "what if it's wrong?" Is that wrong? Is it so bad to question my foundations? I don't know. It's something I'm fighting with. It's something I hope I'll overcome, eventually. In many ways, I think that's half of a reason for why I needed up at school. I needed to learn that the world is bigger than my house, my backyard, my church. There's so many people beyond my social network and so many of them are suffering. Why then do I get so focused on my suffering?
See, this is what happens when I don't feel well. I get so annoying philosophical and questioning.
Long live the turtles!