I Hate Thesis Statements

Thesis: the-sis, noun, a proposition stated or put forward for consideration, especially one to be discussed and proved or to be maintained against objections. I hate thesis statements. My branch of writing is creative, relying on breaking the rules instead of following the rules. My dad says that he and I think in a very non-linear fashion, which results in the two of us being able to see things from different points of view. One of his favorite sayings is "if you only think outside the box, you limit yourself to three-d." Not many people would think of writing a protest to thesis statements in a semi-formal five paragraph essay like I am attempting here. In a formal essay, the entire process is based around developing a clear and concise thesis statement to clarify what the whole essay is about. Contrasting such clarity, creative writing does not require the identifiable theses to the same extend. While thesis statements are useful for some forms of writing, for many people they provide more headaches then benefits. (9)

In creative writing, a thesis statement is not a thesis statement at all, but rather a premise. Daniel Schwaubauer stresses the importance of having a premise in his story writing curriculum, One Year Adventure Novel, affectionately known as OYAN. This premise can be as simple as "Love conquers all, even in the darkest of circumstances," but the major difference between this kind of premise and a formal thesis is that premises do not have to be directly stated and need only be implied. Many masterful authors are successful at hiding premises deep within their stories; would the Narnia books by CS Lewis be so successful if Lewis had not managed to bury his message of Christ's sacrifice and resurrection so deep within his story? In a 'webinar', above mentioned Daniel Schwaubauer takes about his experience with a school librarian who did not know that the message of Christ was even in the Narnia books. The very essence of a hidden premise makes storytelling so much more appealing than formal writing to many people who think in non-lateral ways. Of the many beginning novelists I've met, almost all of them profess to having some kind of insanity problem. If an author were to state "love conquers all, even in the darkest of circumstances," at the end of the first paragraph of his book, would you still be interesting in reading it? No. Outright stating a premise gives away the entire meaning, the entire purpose, of the book. (8)

Throughout my life, I have done very little with thesis statements. What few writing classes I took might have required some version of a thesis statement, but for a simple paragraph, thesis statements aren't always that challenging. In poetry and journalism, there is more freedom to write without the necessary thesis, and to be honesty, the class I took in newspaper writing was more concerned with sentence structure and the fact that 'Sue owns a cookie shop.' Ah, the good old days. My mother forced me to learn the basic necessities of five paragraph writing through a book Jensen's Format Writing, written by Jensen Frode. There were many times during my experience with this book that, frankly, I wanted to tear it to pieces, however, I will admit that without Jensen's Format Writing I would be dead in the water when it comes to thesis statements. The more I am forced to write formal essays, the more I understand the necessity for a strong thesis statement and yet I still strongly dislike following the rules of theses. (7)

Creating a thesis statement provides many people with a splitting headache. There is no way to state such a statement in a clearer way. According to my present English teacher, my thesis statements struggle because I attempt to write about more than I can handle within a short, five paragraph essay. In formal writing, a thesis statement is a one sentence summary of the entire paper, and to me, at least, that seems like a superfluous sentence. Presenting a clear and understandable discussion is not dependent on one sentence and one sentence alone. I have lost an entire grade point because of a weak thesis; there was nothing else wrong with paper besides for a few comma mistakes. To many English teachers, weak thesis leads to a poor paper, but that is simply not the case! Why should the grade of a paper be dependent on one sentence? In this paper, my introductory paragraph was nine or so sentences, my first body paragraph eight, my second body paragraph seven and as this is my third to last sentence in this paragraph, this third body paragraph is eleven sentences. Nine plus eight plus seven plus eleven equals thirty-five, and when you add the eight or so sentences from the concluding paragraph, the average five-paragraph essay should be about forty-two sentences. So why does all that rest on one statement, on one thesis?!  (11)

My social studies teacher tells me I have a problem with introducing new information while in the conclusion. I disagree with that being an actual problem. Why should the conclusion be limited to the restatement of things that have already be presented and clarified? What is the necessity behind that exercise? In an actual debate, in a speech, I would leave you with some parting comment to make you think, some extra bit of information that, in light of the debate you have just read, would cause you to look at a topic in a new light. Apparently, that's not allowed when writing in a formal way with a thesis statement. I've got a soccer game soon, so this will probably be slightly rushed... See, new information, does it matter that much? I hate thesis statements. End of story. So long, farewell, and thanks for all the fish.

Blllleeeeh

Soccer games at 9:10pm should be outlawed.

As should games before 11am on days of break.

And I'm complaining. Sorry. I shall try and talk about something else.

...

...

Hmmmmmm...

Ye-haw. You now, I just saw a commercial for the ASPCA. They should stop spending so much money on advertising and use it for the actual animals. Actually, that could be said for a ton of charity people who advertise on TV and everything...

To be random. Hm. It's so hard to be random on command.

My cat is staring at me.

Oh. Boy. Hobbes, stop staring. His eyes are round and orange and they're glowing in the dark. Cat eyes should be outlawed, they're like, like, like LEDs or something. They GLOW! They honestly glow.

I'm going to go run away from the cat eyes.

In another room...

This is boring. I want to write about something good, but nothing really comes to mind. I don't have anything to rant about, or inform about, or whatever. Siiiiiiiiiiigh.

So. A random poll:

What do you think of when you hear the word "Paprika?"

My English Teacher's Shoes

There's a lot of interesting things about my English teacher. She's a crazy person, is really good at teaching her subject in and kind of offbeat, almost silly way, and she talks way too much about her fiance. Seriously, I know more about her fiance than I know about some of my friends at school. But then, the English teacher that I did Shakespeare with at the homeschool group never stopped taking about her family, ever. What is it with English teachers and their families?

So, my teacher, who for the purpose of this thingy-ma-bob, I will call Ms. Kinetic – a long and twisted explainable reason for that, but an explanation no less – opens one of the first lessons of the entire year with an icebreaker. Two truths and a lie. She placed her own truths and a lie up on the board and made us guess. The options up on the board were:

1) I have two cats, one is diabetic.

2) I have over 120 pairs of shoes.

3) I read over fifty books a year.

This is a class of twenty-something very intelligent English kids. Ten people guessed the diabetic cat. Twelve people guessed the shoes. Me and the girl who sits next to me, guessed the books. Me and the girl were given candy for picking the right lie, and by default, making the fact that she has over 120 pairs of shoes true.

Ever since that first day, I've been watching her shoes. And I think I've seen enough now to describe the ones I've seen her wear. Which are probably about about 15 or 20 different pairs...

The most common ones are a black pair of 3inch (about) high-heeled, knee-high boots with a silver zipper going from the toe to the top of the boot. I don't think high-heeled boots are comfortable, but that zipper is a little extreme, I mean, it has to dig into her foot somewhere! She's got at least two other pairs of black high-heeled, knee-high boots because one of them buckles on the inside, and the other buttons on the outside. All three of those boots are very similar, however.

Ms. Kinetic also has this pair of fluffy-ish slipper things. It's obviously imitation fur, and the slippers come up to mid-thigh length but I've only seen her wear them twice. They look really comfortable. There's a pair of white high-heels that only come up to her ankles, two tap strappy things that must be really uncomfortable, and a pair of converses that say “Gotcha” up the sides of them. That's what, eight pairs of shoes?

She also has these purple boots that don't have heels, but hug around her ankles really tightly and she once tripped over the trailing end of one of her crazy shawls because her those shoes wouldn't let her ankle bend. I mean, seriously, are all teachers insane?!

On spirit day – our school colors are orange and black – she was wearing a pair of clogs that were about two-feet high and were completely black, with orange flames dancing around bottoms. She won the best teacher spirit for those shoes alone. And I've seen four other pairs of clogs, all of them tan, but they all have different lengths and one of them has a giant purple flower on either shoe. I think that brings the tally up to fourteen shoes.

And I know that's not all the shoes she has. I can't wait for spring to come where we actually get to see real sandals.

Ms. Kinetic also wears a lot of jewelry, but not so much that I haven't started to recognize some. She's always got this particular bracelet on, which I think must be a substitute for an engagement ring because I know she's engaged, but she never has the same ring on all the time and I've never seen her without that bracelet. She's got this black and silver watch with hearts on it. Four little black and silver studded bracelets and fit together and... didn't I say she wears a ton of black and silver. She's got this gigantic emerald necklace that must be an heirloom, or her fiance is very, very, very rich.

And Ms. Kinetic is just the worst. Two of my other teachers have very strange clothing things... My gym teacher has 38 different pairs of converses. And my homeroom teacher, MR. “Seuss” always wears purple. Purple shirt. Purple shoes. Purple pants. It doesn't matter. His backpack is purple. His overcoat is purple. His everything is purple. It's absolutely ridiculous. But most of them are really good teachers. I got lucky, all but one of my teachers are phenomenal and the one that isn't isn't mentioned in this thingy.

There now, I've babbled on for over eight hundreds words about a topic that will interest absolutely no one. Yay me!

You know, I used to love shoes. I used to sleep with shoes.

How To Write Good

A list was complied for some magazine by some guy entitled How To Write Good. Naturally, such a statement spawned a lot of problems when people only looked at the title, and failed to capture the humor of the actual list. That happens a lot, doesn't it? I mean, people just don't understand the humor behind something and they get all worked up and their feathers' get wrinkled and it takes the fun out of things.

I can't tell you the number of times I've said something sarcastic in school and the people around me have reacted negatively. Why can't people just learn how to handle sarcasm? Okay... mini-rant is over.

Here follows the 31 bullets that taught me to write good. And you will laugh. Because they are funny.

1. Avoid alliteration always.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)

4. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

5. Employ the vernacular.

6. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations etc.

7. Parenthetical marks (however relevant) are not necessary.

8. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

9. Contractions aren't necessary.

10. Abhor polysyllabic obfuscations.

11. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

12. One should never generalize.

13. Be more or less specific

14. Elimination quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”

15. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

16. Understatement is always best.

17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

18. One word sentences? Simple! Eliminate.

19. Analogies are like feathers on a snake.

20. Even if a mixed metaphors signs, it should be derailed.

21. The passive voice is to be avoided.

22. Who needs rhetorical questions?

23. It behooves you to avoid archaic expressions.

24. Don't use hyperbole: not one writer in a million can use it effectively.

25. Subject and verb always has to agree.

26. Don't indulge in sesquipedalian lexicological constructions.

27. Don't use no double negatives!

28. B sur too schpell cheque, and watch four grammer errors'

29. No sentence fragments!

30. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
31. And remember finish what

I'm going to go chase butterflies now.

Ah

"Bob" is my brother.

Bob and I don't really get along.

My reactions to Bob tonight.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nothing else to report.

Celebrity Christians

So... we were talking about Nathan Kress supposedly being a Christian and why that scares me.

I am conservative. I'm a conservative with some wacky ideas, which kind of counteracts the meaning of conservative, but I say it anyway. A couple of weeks ago, I was described as an oxymoron. That fits me, in a lot of ways.

Anyway, my view on celebrity Christians:

Either people exaggerate the fact that they're Christians and use it to their own benefit, or they truly are Christians and get downtrodden for the fact. I'm sure that's not the case in all people, but it seems that in the general scheme of things, that happens to be the majority of circumstances.

Albert Pujols, an incredibly famous baseball player, used the fact he was a Christian for his own benefit. I'm not entirely sure of the details of the whole scandal, but he got a lot of grief for some immortality which conflicted with him saying that he was a Christian and everything. Naturally, Pujols really got off just fine while the church had to take all the problems. In contrast to him, but still in baseball, Fernando Tatis returned to game because his hometown needed money to rebuild a church, he just never did much beyond mention why he came out of retirement.

I don't understand it. I don't try to understand it. But why does it seem that individual “Christian” celebrities always get off just fine when their religion, when their faith, takes the blow. It doesn't make sense to me.

I think my other problem with Christian celebrities is that we don't know. We simply don't know. Imagine what would happen if someone like Justin Bieber or Miley Cyrus, or, going further back and even higher up in scale of AH! Britany Spears were to profess their faith in Jesus Christ. I mean, it would be totally chaotic and problem end up reflecting poorly on the church.

My whole view on this changes when it comes to politics, but that really is a whole different discussion as it's incredibly anti-Obama and I'm not fully ready to crack open that can of worms.

Please Don't Be Mine

I could rant about a lot of things right now. What happened in homeroom. What happened in Chinese. What happened in Global. What happened in study hall. What happened in Science. What happened in Lunch. What happened in English. What happened in engineering. What happened in Math. What happened when I got home... but I'm not going to be that downhearted about everything... even though it was a rough day. February 14^th. One of the worst days of the year.

My school was so worked up about everything. The junior class council was selling carnations to be delivered to homeroom today, and a girl in the homeroom next to mine started crying because she didn't get a flower from someone she wanted to. Between third and fourth period, there was a major fight outside the cafeteria over a girl. And then spaced out through the afternoon, there were a ton a fights between various people. And this is just the stuff I saw first hand. I wasn't at the Snowball this weekend, so I'm not going to relate all the drama that happened there.

You know why drama is the word it is? 

It rhymes with trauma.

Anyway, I conducted an informal survey today, asking my classes if they knew the history of Valentine's Day. They asked why I wanted to know. I said I was curious. They almost all said that they didn't know. Three of the people in my science class mentioned St. Valentine, but none of them knew his history or anything.

Why do we celebrate a holiday that we don't even know the history of? I mean, I know where President's Day comes from. Martin Luther King Jr Day. Christmas. Easter. The Fourth of July. All these holidays and we know why we celebrate them. Well, I'm not so sure I know what Labor – why do I always spell labour the British way? – Day is for, but... yeah...

I haven't done a lot of research on the history of Valentine's Day because I only just started looking into it, but get this, according to wikipedia Valentine's Day started as the celebration of three Christian matyrs, Valentine of Rome, Valentine of Terni, and a third Valentine who was murdered somewhere in Africa. It was the third Saint who's death was recorded on February 14^th. All this happened between 269 AD and 197 AD. Isn't this just the most auspicious of beginnings?

Apparently, nothing absolutely close to romantic was connected to Valentine's Day until the middle of the 14^th Century.

The first mentions of the romantic legends come from Legenda Aurea, or Golden Legend. This book was basically a collection of stories and legends from Rome and whatnot. The romantic legend of St. Valentine's Day says that Valentine himself... but wait... there's three Valentines... was tortured by Emperor Claudius the Second, for marrying young couples. According to the Emperor, married men where not as effective soldiers and so Valentine took to marrying people behind Claudius's back.

Valentine was caught and thrown in jail. While imprisoned, Valentine preformed a miracle and healed an ailing jailor's daughter. They fell in love. On the day of his scheduled execution, Valentine wrote a note to the young girl, signing it “From your Valentine.”

Gee. This just the most exciting love story ever.

So, I'm still not sure while Valentine's Day is celebrated, or why the romantic Valentine is considered a saint and everything, but I don't write the history books, I s'pose. And I know it caused more trouble that it was worth, but I'll suppose I'll just have to live with that.

And I don't have a parting comment, really, at all. Deal with it.